7 Tips For Setting Boundaries Better As A Single Moms

A relationship has always been a struggle for me; whether it was friends, boyfriends, family, or at work, I could not figure out how to navigate them. Until I began to acknowledge my own weaknesses and seeking wisdom regarding the conflicts I was having, setting boundaries was non-existent.

Relationship Guru

I would like to think I know more about relationships now that I’m approaching the tender age of 30. However, what better way to learn about relationships than through the person who created them and an individual who studied them.

Jesus is foremost the person to connect with for wisdom regarding relationships. Following the way he interacted with his believers, the disciples (Luke 6:12-16), and the unbelievers, can give you insight to appropriate connection and interaction with certain people in your life.

Another source of wisdom is from Dr. Dharius Daniels. Pastor, Coach, Author, and Speaker, he has been a go-to source on Youtube for me including sermons centered around relationship knowledge. In his words:

Our greatest blessings and our greatest hurts will come from the same place. Relationships.

After reading his newest book called Relational Intelligence, I have not been able to view my relationships and interactions the same as before. His take on relationships through the life of Jesus, provides us with the knowledge to utilize the people skills needed for us to live the life of purpose we want.

Reading his book helped me to take the time to truly understand relationships and to take inventory of the relationships I have in my life now.

Who are my relationships?

Your relationships can span from intimate to a two -second encounter at the store. Relationships can be the following:

• Familial- parent, children, cousin, aunt/uncle, siblings, grandparent/kid, 
• Friendships- best friend, close friend, confidants, spiritual sisters/brothers
• Work- co-worker, boss, employee, partner
• Advisor- mentor, pastor, counselor, role model
• Assignment- customer, mentee
• Associate- someone who is usually around where you usually hang around

What exactly is a relationship?

A relationship is a way that two or more individuals, objects, or ideas connect. People connect on various levels, some on an intimate level and others on a more superficial level. Relationships can be organic, based on environment, similar behaviors, and beliefs.

There can be good relationships in your life and also experiences of bad relationships. Whatever relationship it is, everyone experience some form of relationship as early as utero. The first ever relationship on this earth is with your mother and all others start from that point on.

Why should I be in relationship with others?

God created and called us to be in relationship with one another. When we are obedient to love God with all our hearts and mind, we are also committing to love all that He created including our neighbors. We are here to serve one another (1 Peter 4:10), encourage one another (Hebrews 10:25),  and carry each other burdens (Galatians 6:2).

In a time where social isolation is encouraged and the norm, relationships are being challenged and strained more than ever. Our original nature to connect to others are being dampened and we need to be more intentional about make sure our relationships are taken care of. (Philippians 2:4)

How do I navigate my relationships?

There is no specific formula or steps to have the best relationships. But there are principles that you can implement to help steward and nurture your current and future relationships.

Below are some tips on relationships and better boundaries to navigate each of our relationships with others well and the way God intended.

7 Tips for Setting Better Boundaries in Relationships as a Single Mom

Know your needs in a relationship and communicate them.

I put this tip first because it is the one I struggled with the most. I was originally a go-with-the-flow type of person but it got me in situations I didn’t want to be in. When you have time alone, take inventory of all your relationships that mean something to you.

Figure out and reflect on the expectations you have for these relationships. Then, in conversation, discuss and communicate the expectations from both sides. Therefore, everyone will be on the same page and able to navigate the relationship accordingly. When there is no communication on both parts, there is too much room for imagination to step in.

Put people in their proper relational place.

Once you have reflected and discussed, I definitely encourage you to re-evaluate people’s place in your life. Ask yourself: Is this friendship serving the direction that God has for my life or the direction of the other person’s life? Do I really feel comfortable sharing the inner most parts of my life with them or should I keep boundaries with those individuals?

Relationship alignment is our responsibility. We are responsible for “putting people in their place”. After we have a clear understanding, we must begin the process of aligning those relationships accordingly. – Dharius Daniels

If you’re going to love, then love. But you can love deeply or from a distance.

This one goes hand and hand with the previous tip because as single moms, we experience so much rejection and pain from relationships. We can become damaged which impairs our ability and willingness to love and trust others again, which is needed for successful relationships.

But God has called us to Love (it is the greatest of all). Love God, love ourselves, and love others the way Jesus loved us on the cross. So it is in us to love (1 John 4:7), we just have to follow in Jesus’s example and love with discernment.

Understand the power of your ‘No’ and ‘Yes’

I found myself getting caught up in saying ‘yes’ and agreeing to things I didn’t really agree with or want to do. People pleasing was the stubborn enemy that stepped in the way when I wanted to step out and be courageous.

Knowing when to say YES and understanding the strength in your ‘no’ is the first step. Not being afraid of disappointing others or their reaction is the next step.

Once you have overcome those two, you are better able to communicate your truth and be authentic in your interactions with others. You owe no one an explanation for your decisions to protect your energy and your peace. It’s called stewardship, not selfishness.

When you say ‘Yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘No’ to yourself. -Paulo Coehlo

Have the hard conversations with grace and clarity.

Like the book so nicely laid the foundation, there’s order to making the relationship discussion and conversation happen. There are three steps: Prayer, Planning, and Execution.

Most of us skip the prayer stage and initiate the conversation out of pure, irrational emotions that usually adds fuel to the flame.

Or like me, spending more time than needed in the planning stage, causing myself to become paralyzed by the idea of finding the perfect time and approach.

Lastly, execution is often feared due to fear of rocking the boat, despite being uneasy or unhappy in the relationship.

Don’t be fooled more than once.

Ideally, I would like to stay away from being fooled at all. But sometimes we learn more out people after a betrayal, conflict, or situation happens. Therefore, we must use the reality and demonstration provided in front of us to make the decision to limit or eliminate the people we need to guard our hearts and minds from.

I will say this is not only limited to external friends, but even pertains to family members and co-workers. No one has the right to hurt you more than once unless you give him or her permission to.

Never let your loyalty make a fool of you. -Unknown

Be aware of sabotaging behaviors.

Most of these tips are about how you perceive others in the relationship, but make sure you look in the mirror when it’s all said in done. I was the queen of limiting behaviors that kept my relationships from true intimacy.

Sometimes we are using protective mechanisms that keep us from truly experiencing the benefits of quality God-filled relationships. Allowing barriers that have been put in place consciously and subconsciously stand in the way of  ever growing in your relationships. 

I encourage you, if you need additional support in this area, connect with a relationship coach or a counselor/therapist that can help you navigate/overcome these issues. 

God’s final call to us

God knows and created the blessings that come with connecting and navigating relationships. But remember that when sin came into the picture, which invited in the uncertainty and the hurt with human connection.

All in all, don’t fall into the trap of “I’m better off by myself”, because you’re not. That’s just the excuse we use to procrastinate or ignore the pruning God desires for us to go through. Relationships weren’t intended to be hard.  All God wants from us… is relationship and our hearts.

Sis it’s time to release those bad experiences that have tainted your view on relationships. It’s time to get back to the way it used to be, the way God intended. Walk in the confidence, discernment, and grace that have been given unto you to improve your relationships, no matter the type.

Here’s a printable checklist for you that will serve as a quick reference in the future below:

Pray this post helps at least one mama.

Supportive Blog Post:

• 10 Signs Of Healthy Relationship
• The Key to Healthy Relationships For Single Moms
• What To Do When You Struggle With Relationships

You can also join the Women Seeking Confidence Facebook group for a community of women headed in the same direction as you in regards to growing in relationships: