3 Reasons Why I Didn’t Want Child Support From My Ex

You may ask yourself, why is she writing about this topic, and why haven’t she filed for child support? And you are not wrong for thinking that. Many others have asked me the same question. I wrote this post to communicate my experience as a single mother and challenge your perspective, knowing there are always other options you could consider.

The Lack Of Relationship With My Child’s Father

My relationship with my child’s father was volatile. Then, I became pregnant, and the relationship was still unhealthy an emotional rollercoaster. But, being the person who only sees the good in people, I was naive that he was never committed to the baby or me from the start. After a series of disappointments, I became frustrated and bitter. 

When people ask about my daughter’s father, I am always candid. However, the follow-up question is always whether I have put him on child support or if he’s sending money. When I say “NO,” I get a sudden face of disbelief, and they begin to try to tell me how I should be living my life. cue the rolling of the eyes You are probably reacting the same way, but allow me to challenge your perspective.

Past Experiences and Observations

There are many ways my situation could have played out. Below I have observed firsthand the expected results of the child support system:

• • • Arguing and Continuing to have the conflict between the  mother and father
  • • Kids resenting the father or mother for not being present
  • • Money is at the center/focus of child-rearing. 
  • • Not benefiting the inner development of the child. 
    • Putting each other’s livelihood in the hands of the other person, living check to check. 

Pros and Cons of the Child Support System

Here are some key points from research done by the child support system focused on children’s well-being.

• • • Child support has a negligible effect on poverty, removing only about 1 of 20 single-mother families from poverty; even though it increases the incomes of some low-income families, it does not bring them out of poverty.
  • • Fathers who see their children are more likely to pay support, and these fathers pay more support than those who have no contact with their children.
  • • What matters for children’s well-being is what happens during that contact and how much conflict occurs between parents. When conflict is high, contact is associated with behavior problems in children. When conflict is low or controlled, children are not exposed to it; they benefit from contact with the nonresident father.
    • In addition to directly affecting a child’s well-being, the conflict also has an indirect impact. Parents who are preoccupied with their own needs may have difficulty meeting the needs of their children, especially when parents are experiencing the trauma of a break-up.

Why do I believe God called me away from the child support route?

1 Tim 6:10 “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.”

• And don’t get me wrong, If you need money from the other parent to meet the child’s basic needs, food/clothes/shelter, that’s understandable. But so often see, women, go into this system with greed in mind and the motive to get back at the absent parent.

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

• I had to learn to let him and the situation go. Tap into God’s power and strength to help me move on past my circumstance. Remove fear, disappointment, guilt, shame, and excuses, only to adopt a spirit of hope, strength, mercy, and patience.

Matt 6:25-33 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? …But seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you. 

• We are spending too much time trying to fix, figure out, and calculate things that we often miss the beauty in what we already have, the growth and the peace that God wants us to experience even in our trials and tribulations.

 

How has this decision improved my life?

1. I put the situation in God’s hands. I wasn’t trying to make the guy do something he chose not to do. That’s God’s territory to work it out with him and convict his inner man to help him grow to be a better man.
2. I became mature enough to maintain a way of contact for when he was ready and when Avah had questions when she was older. I learned that it’s not always good to burn bridges completely, but put up gates, a passcode, and deadbolts for boundaries., if needed.
3. It was better for me as the woman to heal and not stay in constant chaos due to not dealing with unresolved bitterness and disappointment. That way, I would not foster the same emotional instability in my daughter. But in return, teach her how to nurture peace in her life no matter the situation.

This worked for me but may not be the option for you.

 I was blessed to have a job that supports us both and more. Others may need more financial support, which does benefit children who need it. But my point is that never go into situations or make decisions based on your emotions, other people’s opinions, or even to manipulate the other person.

My decision was based solely on what I found most important based on my values. I encourage us to consult with God in everything we do because that time always allows for us to clear the fog of emotions and provides us with the opportunity to make sound decisions toward peace in our lives.

Supportive Blog Post:

• To The Man Who Decided Not To Be Apart Of My Child’s Life
• Things To Consider When Choosing A Father Figure For Your Children

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