This topic can go either way for many of us. We hear a lot of chatter online where nothing should affect our confidence because it’s OUR confidence. But the reality is that others and our environment can affect how we see ourselves and our abilities whether we want them to or not. Your family upbringing, work environment, and even your church community can impact how you see your abilities. One of the most important relationships that can significantly impact how you see yourself is your friends. So yeah, your friends can affect your confidence too.
Confidence and Friends
My story goes back to 2nd and 3rd grade. That’s around the time we usually call anyone we meet, play with, or enjoy our friend. I remember in early elementary having this one group of girls I would hang out with that were way girlier than I was (hint I grew up with three brothers).
One instance (because as women, we remember everything), I was playing with these girls, and one exclaimed, “we don’t want to be your friend anymore because of my lack of candy that I contribute to the crew.” That was my first taste of rejection in my tiny eyes, and it broke my little heart. From that point on, I started to see friendships as transactional, and if I wanted someone to hang around me or be my friend, I had to give them something or allow for certain things.
Fast forward to middle school, I had my fair share of experiences. From getting punched in the face before becoming friends with someone, trying to hang with a group of girls so a guy would like me, you name it, and I did it. Around 7th grade was when I started to develop deeper friendships. I still have one as a lifelong friend to this day.
As I transitioned from junior high into high school, I started attracting friends in pain and trauma. And within those connections, I began to view the world from their perspective than my usual cheerful, optimistic self. I also attracted friends I would describe as some of the most stylish girls in school; even well into college, I noticed a change in the type of people I wanted to be around or not be around. So really, we don’t figure this friendship thing out until we are well into adulthood.
Your Friend Picker Affects Your Confidence Too
I am saying all this to say that we tend to pick our friends based on these three things:
- How we genuinely like them and have stuff in common
- We attract the way that we feel in that season or chapter
- We choose based on who we eventually want to become.
Lord knows I was guilty of basing friendships on who could relate to my feelings and who I wanted to be. I wanted to be a lot more girly and stylish but ended up copying my friends and trying on them, which was a big turn-off to my high school friends.
My self-confidence never prospered, mainly because of my incorrect understanding of confidence. I wasn’t surrounding myself with people who could encourage me to be my best self.
Don’t get me wrong; I have had some great friendships over the years. In particular, I have one friend that continues to push me to step into my god-given greatness. I am so, so grateful for our relationship. She knows who she is.
Your Friendship with God Affects Your Confidence Too
Furthermore, I eventually decided to develop my inner circle based on who contributes well to helping me step into the fullness of who I am. Not to say I am expecting my friends to be what I need, like puppets but that they have the essence and spirit to uplift as I do for them.
For this very reason, I wrote: “God is my Best Friend.” He is the most important in my friendship circle because He has already declared that he will be all I need and more.
I had to continue to be a good steward of my friendships and make sure they reflect His original design.
Also, I had to step back and assess how my confidence level was affecting my friendships. As a reminder, your friends should not be your crutch for low confidence. They are a supportive help to assist in building you up alongside what you are already doing for yourself.
Allow God to remind you of who you are, build yourself up, and allow friends to provide an extra lift.
And in that order…
What aspects of your relationship with friends affect confidence in you and vice versa?
- ConversationWhat is being said between you is critical. Be watchful of disguised slights, comparisons, and responses that reek of jealousy, envy, or covetousness. Focus on conversations full of truth with grace, encouragement with love, and laughter full of medicine for each other’s soul.
- ConnectionMake sure your friendships align with the values and beliefs you hold. The truth is it’s hard for you to stand firm and confident in the things you love and believe if you have someone close to you giving you a constant battle. We have enough challenges in the world; friendship should be a stress-reliever, a safe place.
- SupportYour friendship should be about being there when you need a shoulder to lean on, support to bounce ideas off of, or ask for advice. If your friend can not be reached when you need them or won’t adjust things when life has trampled on you, then the friendship is more damaging to your confidence than anything else. It ends up affecting your trust in people that say they love you.
All three are typically affected by how much confidence was instilled in either of you at a young age by parental figures. So the question is due we friend below, parallel, up when it comes to friendship and our confidence level?
The golden answer is All of the above. You never know what your confidence may do for another and vice versa.
All in all,
If friendships have affected your confidence in the past, they were weak friendships from the start. Often based on superficial things that don’t establish intimacy. Confidence-building is a You project, and friendships become a We project when you become rooted in your true identity. Once you reach this point, you will begin attracting quality friendships or eliminating the not-so-good ones.
If you need additional support navigating how to build confident friendships, I encourage you to reach out for a Confidence Chat.
And if you want to stay connected with resources for relationship-building, join the new Women Seeking Confidence Facebook Group here.
