I am so glad you opened this blog post because I want to share something that will change how you see life. You are not failing! As single moms, we put so much pressure on checking all the boxes and having all our ducks in a row, but it’s impossible. So I wanted to write a sentiment for the single who thinks she’s failing in life and as a mother.
Failing as a single mom
Failing or failure is a word us single moms do not want to be associated with. When we decided to show up for our kids and forge this journey of single parenting, we had success and victory in mind.
Personally, I’ve made it my mission to create a fantastic life for my daughter. I never want her to want anything or feel like she is lacking in any area of her life. I put on my supermom cape and got to work. And that’s where I went wrong.
I put so much pressure on myself to make life pain-free and struggle-free that I landed us right into hardship. A season that was partly due to my choices and partly due to the waves of life or the corruption of this world.
Remembering my mission was to make her life perfect; I refused to face the reality that we were in a financial pit hole, a season of scarcity, and on the cliff of poverty, with a push into near homelessness. I was afraid.
The truth is that fear drives the choices of single moms in similar situations. Doing things out of desperation or being to proud to ask for help when needed all stems from fear. But what I learned in the season when I thought I was failing, I was being prepared for the greater to come.
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:2-4 NLT
Single Mom Fears
There are many fears single moms have that can sometimes lead us to poor choices and keep us from stepping out to better our situations in our circle of influence. Here are some fears I had and have heard from other single moms:
- Not having enough money
- Not ever finding love or getting married again
- Messing up our children
- Depriving our children of their basic needs and experiences
- Judgement from others and the church
- Not being good enough (in self, for job, for relationships, etc.)
- Being alone
- Failing to succeed or achieve
- Being a burden for our family and friends
- Going hungry
- Living on the streets or in our cars
- Relying on the government’s support
- Not being able to balance the demands of life
- Going crazy and dealing with mental health issues
- The father will be absent or do more harm than good to the child
The list can go on, as these are all valid fears, but they are not truth at all. They are all false evidence appearing real. You don’t know if this will happen, so why are we giving these ‘what ifs’ so much space in our minds, hearts, and spirit.
Sometimes, we give fear residence in our bodies, manifesting in sickness and illness that we can’t explain. Fear and anxiety manifest in the chest, digestive system, and head. Despite the fear that is in our lives, we can rest on this:
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
Single Mom Burnout
Burnout is what happens when you avoid being human for too long. – Micheal Gungor
I love this quote by the way! Burnout is too familiar for single moms. Remember when I talked about putting on the cape and trying to be a superhero earlier; yes, that’s is what many of us do when we’re trying to do it all, be it all, and conquer it all on our own.
Single mom burnout is so prevalent. I believe the statistics of single mom burntout is 100% without research because I’ve been a single mom for almost 8 years.
The problem comes in is when we mistake burnout for failure. When you are burnout, you need rest, renewal, and community, not shame/guilt, frustration, isolation and condemnation. Single moms, for me, take off your cape, set your priorities, and do what you can with what you have.
The Harvard Business Review stated that “ Burnout can happen when you have too many job demands and too few resources. Single parents often have too many demands and potentially few resources.” And I agree! Single moms, we need to focus on going to our Source (GOD/JESUS/HOLY SPIRIT) to help us with greater resources both tangible and intangible before we even think about committing to and conquering the demands of life.
Is being a single mom traumatic?
Being a single mom is traumatic in itself. Trauma comes in when trauma from past experiences and choices lead to traumatic situations. I know single moms, including myself, who have found a way to thrive in their single parenting journey and relied on God to fill the gap.
This shift in perspective requires you to let go of pain and trauma by running to the Father, allowing Him to restore your story. However, I do know that there are some traumatic experiences within the stories of many single moms that were out of their control and have left them in deep pits/strongholds of poor living.
Like anything else, your trauma can begin to heal, your life can change, and your future can be bright, if we allow God to help us through.
So do I think being a single mom is traumatic? No.
Will there be traumatic experiences? Yes.
Will you overcome all of it and thrive as a single mom? Well, that is up to.
Emotional challenges of being a single mom.
Being a single mom comes with a mix of emotions. Besides all the personal turmoil, we live in a world that acts as they care about us, showing sympathy but far from empathy.
We are in government systems that put things in place to keep us struggling and fighting for equilibrium. We have imperfect people not taking to account the word they say to us. We sometimes feel like the world is lashing us on our cross of crucifixion.
Emotions are just warning signals of whether something is positive or negative in our lives; that’s it. The challenges that single moms face is when we allow our emotions not to just warn us but allow them to drive and dictate how we live our life.
So never feel like you are failing or when you are all over the place emotionally. The feeling of failure is a warning signal that you are putting your trust in the wrong thing, yourself and not in the God that in Him all things are possible. Your emotions are not who you are; your identity is in Christ, the Word.
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. 1 peter 5:7 NLT
Ways to overcome the feeling of failing.
Hey love! I will try to remedy the feeling of failure with only three tips. However, it will require a daily choice for you not submit to your emotions and the lies of the enemy regarding how life is going for you as a single mom. Read each tip carefully, answering the reflection question, and applying the scripture or action daily.
Direct your focus and trust to God.
God is so good! He wants the best for you and desires for you to live a life of purpose and lacking nothing. The only prerequisite is to accept Him into your life, put your trust in, and follow Him.
Scripture:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT
Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Proverbs 4:25 NLT
Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. Colossians 3:2 NLT
Reflection: What have I been focusing on while feeling like a failure? Why do I focus on these things?
Action: Decide 2 ways you will focus on God more and trust Him with your life every day.
Only focus on the things you can control to relieve the pain.
This tip is one I got from my therapist, who helped walk me off the ledge during a painful, traumatic time in my single mother’s journey when funds were low, and bills were piling up. She said, “you are thinking about how you don’t want to be in this situation, but you are in it. You are also thinking about when you get out of it, but you are not out of it yet.”
She reminded me that I couldn’t change the past and I have no control over the future, but I do have control over right now and things I can do to ease the pain in the situation, even if I’m in the circumstance for a while.
Scripture:
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. Matthew 6:34 NLT
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. 1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT
Reflection: How have I been stuck in the past or stuck in the future when it comes to my current situation? How has that contributed to my feelings of failure?
Action: Think of 1-2 things you can do today to take a step toward relieving your pain. (Remember, you already trust God, so don’t try to be God. Think of steps you can take to move the needle forward, allowing God to put His super on your natural.)
Take care of yourself.
I know I am not the only single mom that needs to hear this, but it’s the truth. Step away, put the list down, don those noise-canceling headphones for an hour or two, shut that door, and take that walk.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially, intellectually, socially. Whatever you need to make you well so you can take on the world, do it. If you don’t know what to do, ask God and Holy Spirit to direct you in the way you should go.
Heed to their instruction! Most importantly, rest and reset.
Scripture:
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23 NLT
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 NLT
Reflection: What has my body been telling me it needs? What have I been neglecting to do for myself?
Action: REST and RESET! Sometimes we have to stop so we can see things clearer. I give you permission, even though you don’t need it, to rest your body, mind, and soul.
All in all,
God has sent me to tell you that you are not failing. You are right where you need to be. Use this unpleasant season to purge and prepare for the morning’s glory and joy. Tell the enemy to flee and heed the still, small voice in your heart telling you it’s not over until God says it’s over.
Failure should not be in your vocabulary, single mom. We allow experience lessons and grow in wisdom through the challenges and hardships we go through. I encourage you to get closer to God daily, crush the enemies head, grow in confidence, and be well in this life.
You are never failing or falling because you are in His hands who covers you and transforms you with only the touch of His garment. I pray this sentiment has been everything you’ve been looking for. May God exalt you in His perfect timing. Amen!
Need additional support? Check out these blog post:
- What My Past Relationships Taught Me And How It Wasn’t Failure
- Give Yourself Grace: 3 Reasons Why There’s Nothing Wrong With You!
- Keep Fighting Single Moms in 2023: Overcoming Struggles Of Single Motherhood
- 5 Changes To Make For Single Mom Success This Year
You can also join the Women Seeking Confidence Facebook group for a community of women headed in the same direction as you in regards to growing in confidence:
