Being a single mom requires so much focus, time, and energy. We often feel as though our only priority and focus should be on our children. This is true, but I believe women weren’t put on this earth to be parents only. Parenting is such a small portion of the greater story in our lives. This is why I took the time to figure out how to cultivate a life outside of being a mom.
Just think about it. A life where you can meet all your children’s needs, excel at work, having all the energy you need, with flat abs and a Kim K butt, and still having the opportunity to enjoy your passions. Doesn’t that sound amazing? But how many of us are actually living this life? It may not be just yet, but Lord knows I am well on my way.
The Struggle With Wanting More
The idea of having a life outside of my daughter for the first few years seemed so foreign to me. I felt that wanting something outside of my child made me appear:
- Selfish
- Ungrateful
- Inconsiderate
But in reality, I felt:
- Complete guilt for wanting more
- Frustration with not having the freedom to explore my own passions
- Shame for being in this place of parenting alone
Through all emotional up’s & downs, yesterday’s feelings were full of fear, confusion, and feeling stuck. But I had to realize that anything is possible with God, even when it seems impossible to us.
What Do We Mean When We Want To Have A Life Outside Of Being A Mom
Let’s get more specific about what is meant by having a life outside of being a mom. Having a life outside of children is an opportunity to explore us as women and daughters of God. This is not the excuse to engage in irresponsibility and neglecting all responsibilities because that means you need to mature. Don’t think that this is wanting time to go clubbing and getting into things that don’t honor yourself or God.
I remember when my single mom journey became really hard, and I would fantasize about the times when I used to go out without a care in the world. But then I was reminded of the different feelings those times brought. Feelings of uncertainty, inadequacy, low self-esteem, rejection, and so much more.
I don’t want to go back to feeling that way.
Please don’t feel sad or guilty about it, though. It is natural to grieve your past life, especially when you are new to the single mother journey. I still find myself 5 years in, thinking back on the times when there were no expectations at all. But I know that I would not be to the level of enlightenment and transformation that I am today. And I want the same growth for you in your journey as a single mom too.
If you don’t get anything else from this post right now, I want you to know that you are not the only one feeling this way. So I created a list of how you can start cultivating a life outside of your children that empowers you.
How To Cultivate A Life Outside Of Being A Mom
Allow Yourself to Desire More.
Our most notable barrier to creating our own identity and life outside of motherhood is our lack of permission to want more. The consent is not from your parents or your children; it has to come from you.
When you give yourself space to acknowledge and work through the guilt, frustration, and fear, you are better able to give yourself permission to move past the isolation associated with making motherhood your only source of life.
Find and explore your life’s purpose.
This strategy was a big game-changer because it allowed me to look at myself outside of my many roles. Taking the time to find and explore your life’s purpose helps direct you closer to God and his reason for putting you on earth.
Without this focus, I would have never been able to identify my unique spiritual gifts and calling outside of raising my child. The more time you spend getting to know yourself, the better your vision of how to spend your time here on this earth gets more clear.
Don’t get me wrong. Some people believe their reason for living is their children, and I have nothing against that. However, if God ceased population growth through children, what will you do to help advance the kingdom?
Schedule times to try new things.
“People make time for what they want to make time for.”
In all honesty, make time for what you want to make time for. Start by scheduling once a month to start trying new things and exploring activities you’ve always wanted to do before becoming a mom. Look to do things by yourself, so you can get comfortable doing things by yourself. Allow yourself to get to a place of play and cheerfulness, explore your youth.
I say this because usually we get so used to having our children there with us that we lose the creativity of what to do with ourselves when the children are not there. This past Saturday, I had 4 hours child-free and struggled to find things to practice self-care and enjoy time with myself. All I did was end up buying stuff for her at stores and thinking about what she needs, which didn’t allow for the full benefit of adult time.
Be intentional about starting and maintaining friendships.
Nothing will pull you out of mommy focus more than cool, authentic relationships that encourage you to think about life beyond your current season. Working to meet other moms and becoming friends with them provides opportunities for you to cultivate partnerships, intimate connections, and invites to events that allow you to get away. Paint & sip nights, brunch, and girl’s night outs are fantastic ways to create an identity outside of being “mommy.”
Start creating your child care support system/plan now.
As a single mom, the most challenging part for us going after wanting more outside of our children is getting adequate and consistent child-care support to make “me time” possible. But this doesn’t mean that it’s impossible because I am living proof.
I would suggest surveying friends and family that show a great interest in caring for your children. Be wise in your selection but also allow others to be a part of the village, even though you feel no one can care for your child like you can.
Avoid waiting until the last minute to reach out. Search around your area to see if any church’s or kid centers have opportunities to watch kids for a few hours to allow for time to yourself. Start nurturing people who will care for your child and sees the benefit of your time.
Without the support system, finding time to be intentional about your life as a woman gets complicated. But with persistent, intentional planning and support on you becoming complete as a woman, you can have more opportunities to explore life outside of being a mom.
All in all,
I am not here to tell you what to do or advise you to do things you aren’t comfortable with. But I encourage you to think differently about your situation and what needs to be done to have the life you’ve always desired.
Whether you plan to start working on the tips above today or needing time to walk these out over the next year, know that I am proud of you for desiring to move forward and writing your story outside of being a mom.
Need additional resources to navigate being a single mom? Check out these blog posts:
You can also join the Women Seeking Confidence Facebook group for a community of women headed in the same direction as you in regards to growing in confidence:
