What My Past Relationships Taught Me And How It Wasn’t Failure

As you all know, I have been on this life coach journey, and I have loved it so far. I have enjoyed my development and the connections I have made since establishing myself as a relationship coach. But there is one nuance to my progress: my long history of “not so proud of” past relationships. But trust me, I have many lessons learned from every one of those so-called failed relationships.

Now the wisdom I talk about in this post is primarily about my past romantic relationships. But know that these very shortcomings affected me in other relationships, such as friendships, work relationships, family, parenting, and even my relationship with God. I hope the lessons I share with you will give you the insight, awareness, and encouragement to complete your own reflection so that you can heal genuinely from the mistakes of your past relationships.

Lessons Learned From Failed Relationships

I should have never been in those relationships in the first place.

This point was a given as I look back at all my past dating relationships. For most of them, I was the aggressor with no idea what a relationship is or entailed. I just wanted to force these situations to be the fairy tale that I often saw in movies. So I still blame Disney.

Lesson: Just because you see others in relationships or desire to have someone special in your life doesn’t mean you need to have someone. Sometimes it is better to be alone than in a relationship; just ask Paul. But It is better to be single and progress in what God has for you than to be in a relationship that shouldn’t be in and take steps backward.

I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. 1 Corinthians 7:35

I went into relationships with no intentions.

One thing about being in a relationship of any kind, both parties should have intentions. This principle means that you should know where you want the relationship to be in the present and the future anytime you decide to pursue something. You should know what you are aiming to achieve and communicating that plan.

I was what you call a relationship “hippie.” Going with the flow and being down for whatever. Not necessarily having a plan in mind because, you know, the movies taught me that love and true connection just happens. What a rip-off! But really, I learned as I got older and relationship expectations increased; I knew I would have to get it together. Now, I have a plan of action for all my personal relationships, and I am confident about communicating my intentions.

Lesson: Have a vision for all your relationships, even if that plan is to end it.

When there’s no vision, the people get out of control, but whoever obeys instruction is happy. Proverbs 29:18

Boundaries were non-existent in my relationships.

As we all know now, when you don’t have a vision, the relationship will perish. But when you don’t have boundaries, you allow for anything and everything to walk all over you. We’ve felt the heartache and pain in our old relationships when people disrespected our boundaries or the lack thereof. Boundaries help us create the separation to reduce the possibility of losing ourselves in another person, ultimately protecting ourselves from being mistreated.

In my past experiences, I found myself trying so hard to appease and win over the other person that I allowed for things to occur that left me open to disrespect and disappointment. Boundaries won’t stop things from happening, but they will set the tolerance level, and anything beyond that is inappropriate. Honestly, I am not proud of what I allowed in my past. But one thing I have control over is what I allow in my future.

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19

I had no idea who I was in and outside the relationship.

The most intricate work I had to do was self-identity work. My self-identity and self-esteem played a significant part in my romantic relationships. I had a problem with seeing my friends being enticing to males while I received little to no interest was damaging to me in my younger years. So I adopted this persona to become the predator, which got me into many unwanted situations. I was trying to fill a void of not being clear about who I was using a fake persona. Boy, did that make a lot of my friendships and dating relationships weird and far from authentic?

Lesson: It’s never too late to start your identity work. I started with learning my identity in Christ at the age of 27, literally three years ago, and it blossomed from there. I began by seeing myself in the scriptures that helped me start putting the pieces together again. One thing you have to understand is that your esteem will fluctuate, but your identity shouldn’t.

Your identity should be standing on its own no matter your roles or what mistakes you’ve made. Identity should be established before the relationship and continue to stand once it has ended. Lastly, how is someone supposed to understand how to love who you are when you don’t know who you are.

Being vulnerable was foreign to me.

If you can tell by all my blog posts, I have finally learned the art of being vulnerable. Opening up and sharing what I need to convey to grow and connect with women just like you has been one of my most outstanding achievements. We see vulnerability as a weakness in our society and are praised less than being “strong.” Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s the bravest thing you can ever do to let someone in to see your innermost parts.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Operating out of fear will not get me the outcome I desire.

I won’t go on my long rant on this one, but every love relationship I had was not in love but really in a state of fear. I feared that he would not believe I was pretty enough, entertaining enough, or worth his time. So I performed and performed from the fear of being rejected and not accepted, like a jester. Fear that I will not ever find love or be in a relationship with someone that would get me.

Lesson: Fear does not lead to that perfect relationship you want.

Fear leads to anxious thoughts, unintended behavior, and unnecessary frustration. I learned that trusting God with the outcome, embodying the character, and being content whether the relationship manifests or not is key to being blessed with a relationship above what we could ask or think. Fear is a tool of the enemy to keep you from the freedom and love in relationships that God wants you to experience.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18

I must involve God in the process.

I am pained by the turmoil that people feel from various relationships because they can be challenging. But the common denominator in all my failed relationships was that I didn’t consult God thoroughly or forgot about Him altogether. Even the connections you would think were God-led frequently got lost in my fleshly desires.

Lesson: Include the creator of relationships in all your relationships. Allow God to change your heart as well as others. Read the Word as it is full of various stories that touch on valuable points regarding navigating relationships. Remember, Jesus was sent here to be our example. Use His choices as a guideline for interacting with others and handling relationship conflicts.

And though one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ephesians 4:12

I had no idea how to love another person.

I recently put on a ‘love’ challenge in my Facebook group, which was a big eye-opener for me. In February, I realized I did not have a complete understanding of love. Love is more than a feeling. I went through all my situationships, looking and relying on a feeling to be the driving force in our time together, which was the worst thing I could do. I used words and emotions to love when my actions did not match.

Lesson: Love is more than what you feel, what you do, or what you say. Love is a daily choice and commitment to give you all, no matter the circumstances. Even when things are unfavorable or uncomfortable, you choose to stay and fight for the relationship.

Love is not confusing, abusive, or selfish. Understanding love starts with learning and accepting the love God showed many years ago. I say this because most of us have not had a perfect example in our life. After all, we all have flaws.

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18

I sucked at active listening.

I definitely sucked at this. The queen of not listening. I was often so focused on my own thoughts and needs, and everyone else came second. But there is a funny thing about motherhood that humbles you and requires you to get outside yourself. If you ask me right now, I can tell you that I am learning to reverse my skill of tuning out, which made all my failed relationships go haywire.

Lesson: You need to think about others’ needs and getting outside of yourself. Active listening allows for you to learn and understand the other person. It removes the toxic habits of confusion and assumptions that often consume relationships. It also provides an opportunity for you to pour back into the relationship by giving more than receiving. When we listen and act on what we hear, we reduce the possibility of communication breakdown.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak. James 1:19

A relationship requires effort and hard work.

I am back on my soapbox again. I blame Hollywood for making relationships look so easy and glamorous when I was growing up. They are getting better now but still.

Growing up, I thought relationships just happened and were terrific with little to no effort. Life determined that was a lie. But I, eventually learned through my reflection that I was not ready to do the work to make the dream work. I was shutting down when times got hard. You’ve probably resonated with this as well or know someone who believed this too.

Lesson: Do not get in relationships unless you are ready to do the work, make changes, and be involved. No relationship should be one-sided. Both sides should be 100% engaged.

There are times when the balance is off, but as long as both intend to make it work, relationships survive, whether it’s lifelong or just for a season. Be selfless enough not to waste anyone else’s time.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. Colassians 3:23

All in all,

There are so many lessons to be learned in relationships because they are ever-changing. But one principle I learned from my healing journey of my past “failed” relationships is that each encounter with each person brings you closer to where God wants you to be, whether it was a part of the plan or a part of your own poor choices.

I do not encourage regret because each experience is a part of the journey. Ultimately, I would not be writing this post for you today if it weren’t for each disappointment, betrayal, heartache, and frustration. My mission is to encourage you to see the good, heal from the trauma, and grow.

So now, if you go forward and continue to experience more failed relationships (what they call it), know that each relationship with prune you and help you learn lessons to reach your full potential in relationships and life.

If you have trouble overcoming your past or current relationship challenges, I encourage you to reach out for a breakthrough chat.

If you are looking for a space to grow with other women pursuing better relationships with themselves, join our community of Confident Christian Single Mom Facebook Group of other single moms choosing to thrive.

Chyna Nicole

Chyna is a Faith Blogger and Speaker at Made New Mama, where she uplifts and empowers single women and moms to stop hiding behind challenges and start living confidently in their relationships through faith. Check out resources here: https://www.madenewmama.com/store/

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