Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers and father figures that are caring for their children and children that are not their own. You all are amazing and I am grateful for your part in the development of our next generations.
As a single mother, who was raised by a father who was incarcerated, I know the importance of having a father in your life. My dad could not be with me physically, but he always found a way to be involved within his ability. And I have always respected him for that.
But I know that not everyone can share a similar story. I know people who have had experiences full of betrayal, death, abuse, and abandonment. I know understanding and acknowledging the importance of the fatherly role can be a hard pill to swallow for many. On the other hand, with healing and forgiveness, I know we can help our babies through.
Our Children’s Needs
Avah was born without knowing her biological father. I moved back to Arizona from Texas but on my graduation week from graduate school, I set aside some time for him to meet her and discuss plans when she was only 2 months old. But he didn’t show up and it broke my heart. I thought so much more of him and he disappointed us.
It took awhile but I had to heal. I had to forgive him for the choice he made and the uncertainty he will plant into the heart of my daughter. However, I took the responsibility so when the question comes up or uncertainty begins, I will be there to answer instead of the world defining her experiences.
Even though her biological father didn’t step up, there have been a couple men who have stepped up and been a light in her life as a father figure. I am forever grateful for their love and support. And for that reason, I find father figures are the hidden gems of our unconventional family structures these days.
Why is the father’s role so important?
The role of a father is critical to the identity of the child. Mothers do so much but it’s something about when a man speaks, a child listens. Which I can’t stand by the way…just kidding.
Fathers are connected to the cognitive, social, and emotional development of the child. Their relationship with their dad or father figure determines how secure they feel, provides structure, and helps with inner well being.
Male figures help children relate to others and themselves as well as gives an example of what they should expect as an adult. For the son, how to become a good man, father, and husband. For daughters, what they should expect from men and what boundaries should be in place in regards to relationships.
But don’t get me wrong, not any type of father can elicit these results, only men who are engaged, affectionate, God-fearing, and supportive to their children can. It really gave me the perspective as a mother that I could never be a father even if I’m doing everything on my own. That is why father figures are so important.
Thank you for all that you do fathers and father figures. – Chyna Nicole
What does God teach us about the role of a father?
God is often referred to as Father, our Heavenly Father. There is something special about the role that God uses it to relate to us as his children. A father shows compassion, teaches the things of the Lord, provides, protects, and is present. All characteristics of God who is the ultimate father.
On the other hand, God advises children to honor, not despise, but listen to their father who gave them life. We may not always agree with them but we are called to respect them whether they deserve it or not. Because God continues to show grace and mercy to us even when we don’t deserve it. He also promises us long life when we do.
Here’s some bible verses to reference:
- Psalm 103:13
- Ephesians 6:1-4
- Exodus 20:12
- Proverbs 23:22
- Proverbs 13:22
- Luke 15:20
- Matthew 6:9
What do I need to put in check as a single mom?
As single mothers, we are often pained with the burden of doing all the work that is supposed to be shared between a mother and father. It is frustrating, overwhelming, and exhausting. But I encourage you to understand that you can never replace the father/ father figure role. I have seen in my experience and watching others, kids will still seek for the father even if you are doing everything. Therefore, doing is not what makes a man a father, it’s their presence.
Once we can acknowledge this then we can allow for other men to step into their lives and help fill in the gaps. But we have to take the time to heal from our own hurt and bitterness toward our own fathers and the men who did not step up or stay.
This is why I made a list of considerations for when you are ready to allow for a father figure to come into your child(ren)’s life.
Things To Consider When Choosing A Father Figure For Your Children
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He does not have to be someone you are dating.
This is the biggest misconception of the father figures. Father figures are not just men that you are dating and/or plan on marrying. They can be trusted men at your church, guy friends, coaches, teachers, mentors, extended relatives. My daughter has a couple but her most important two is her Papa and uncle John (my dad and brother) who has stepped in and filled gaps willingly.
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Establish expectations for the relationship.
Never establish a relationship of any kind without communicated expectations. I know some father figures are established naturally but you have to make sure they are a healthy addition. Maybe you need someone to help your child get over the fear of riding a bike. Or maybe someone to throw the ball around in the yard with your kid. Make your expectations known early to avoid them overstepping boundaries that you have.
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Be cautious and listen to your intuition.
Don’t just allow your children to go with any and everybody. Even though we don’t want to label people, we must continue to use discernment when having people around our children. We still live in a world where rapist, sex offenders, child trafficking, and abusers exist.
Do what you need to do to feel comfortable but don’t feel obligated to leave your children alone with them. Father figures should be someone you know or others can vouch for. But still be vigilant. Ask God to show you their heart to know if the father figure has their bed interest at heart.
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Ensure their lifestyle proves to be Christ-like.
There’s no point of incorporating a father figure in your child’s life if they are just as toxic as the one before. Ensure they are living a life that is consistent with the direction you are going with your little family. Direction as it relates to morals and relationship with Christ. Make sure they have the best intentions for your child(ren).
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If you’re not ready, introduce God as Heavenly Father to your children.
I did this early on with Avah. She began to notice that other kids had dads that would pick them up from daycare and she didn’t. This part of growing up required me to explain that God is her Father at her age-level. I had to shared that her biological father made the wrong choice to not step up and “because of his choice, God stepped in to fill in”. There is a great children’s book (see below) that I used to help bring it home.
All in all,
It can be so easy for us to devalue father’s day due to the pains we’ve experienced ourselves. However, there is something amazing about allowing trusted men to come in and walk in the ways of Psalm 68:5. Your children need it.
I would love to hear your thoughts and comments on this subject as it can be controversial.
But I know God just wants the best for us as single moms and our children.
Need more support with this topic? Check out these additional posts:
- To The Man Who Decided Not To Be Apart Of My Child’s Life
- To The Woman I Thought I Healed From Months Ago
- 7 Powerful Questions To Ask Yourself Before Dating Again As A Single Mom
- 5 Reasons To Find A Supportive Church Home/Family For Single Moms
You can also join the Women Seeking Confidence Facebook group for a community of women headed in the same direction as you in regards to growing in confidence:
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! As someone who grew up without a father I have a hard time with father like figures. But I always knew how important it was for me to give my children a father. This was a great read!
Thank you for reading Janessa. There is so many people out there that can definitely relate to your story. In a world, where the father is getting pushed out, I wanted to encourage single mothers to not lose respect for the father figure.
Great post…thank you!